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Today 3/20/08, I have been really bad all this week that I came back to work. My throwing up have advance tremendously and my headaches are horrible. I have been feeling much pain in my stomach due to all the vomiting. It has not been easy for me and I have been depress and my crying are non-stop. Since Monday, I have been working and then go home and throw myself in the bed. Barely eating because I can’t tolerate any food. Yesterday was my worse day ever and I kind of gave up and just found myself crying for more than ½ an hour. However, God is so beautiful that gave me a great companion. For once I felt like the rebel one in the relationship. God knows what he does when he unites two people For Ever. I confessed to my husband, that I have never felt so useless in my life. I can’t function well @ work. I am coming to work @ 8:30 everyday because my body can’t make it any earlier, I have to take several little breaks (due to vomiting, headaches, etc.). My desk is full of work because I have not catch up yet. I haven’t done anything with my ministry or even supporting our regular services. At home, I can’t clean, do laundry or even take care of my doggy. I told Javy, that I told God that I didn’t want anything in my life but my baby. He can take my job or anything I own. However, I don’t think I ever meant it. Because I am letting all of this material stuff get to me. However, my husband made me understand that I am very wrong and these were his words. Why did you ask God for a baby, if you are not Happy? Why are you offering God all you own, if he is not asking you for them? God does not need anything from you, he needs you to surrender and let him handle everything. He is in control of everything, you just have to let him work in you. Javy said, stop trying to be strong and do things on your own because that will never happen. Be happy because God gave you what you wanted, enjoy it. Not everybody gets the privilege to be a mother. Have your faith on him and only him, not even the doctors. Javy is right, for the first time the devil really tested my faith and I wasn’t strong enough. I was letting him take the best of me and doubt of the God that everything that exist. The same God of all God that took me out of the most darkest places alive. But yesterday I really surrender to God and said, I can’t anymore. You do with me whatever You want and I will obey. I hope you can understand me, I really needed to get this out of my system. Please pray a lot for me, I really need them. Only God knows, how I feel inside and how I am probably tormenting Javy every second. My husband also needs a lot of prayers. He puts up with me and he always finds a way to make me feel better. He doesn’t go to sleep until I do. Please have us to in your minds always. I know one day I will look back and remember these words, and say, WITH GOD I AM ALWAYS VICTORIOUS. |
